Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
he quoted the bible to break up with me
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
