You smell like stripper and shame
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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