someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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