I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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