theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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