He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Randomize