Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
