It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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