ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize