Fine. I'll sleep in my office
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Randomize
