We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
