i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
