So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
