A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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