How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Randomize
