oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
