my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
