If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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