She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
