Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
