someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
