I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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