There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Randomize
