You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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