Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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