We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
