First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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