one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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