im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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