I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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