she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
