if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
