I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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