I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
