Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
my shit smells like andre
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
