I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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