I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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