I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
