You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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