I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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