stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Randomize
