Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
