Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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