there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
