Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Randomize