we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Randomize
