I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
She looked like Sean Connery with cleft lip. So to answer your question, yes I put it in her butt.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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