He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Randomize
