Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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