she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Randomize
