Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
