he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
