I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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