We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Did I show you my penis last night?
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
there is glitter all over my balls
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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