Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
