i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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