Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Randomize
