the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
