I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
