I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
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