Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
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