I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
