i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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