Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Randomize