My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
