I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
