i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
