I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
