I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Boobs speak an international language.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
