a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize