You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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