Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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