Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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