Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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