frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
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