we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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