you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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