Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
