if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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