the condom got lost in my hair
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
